How to Help Your Anxious Child

Strategies on what to say and how to help

A teacher approaches my child with a bright smile: “Good morning! How are you?” I’m embarrassed when she doesn’t respond, pressing her face against my leg and clinging like a small barnacle.

Honest question: What are you actually supposed to do in this situation?

The traditional advice is deeply unsatisfying because it feels like different versions of “do nothing; wait it out”:

• ‘Let kids be kids – this is normal’

• ‘Never call your child shy; it hurts their confidence’

• ‘You were shy once and turned out fine’

Are there evidence-based strategies to help someone address their anxiety? I think about this question all the time, not only as a parent but because it’s so applicable to my exec coaching work helping leaders manage their teams.

It turns out there are. I found some useful strategies in Regina Galanti’s book Parenting Anxious Kids and wanted to share my notes and takeaways:

Good Anxiety vs. Bad Anxiety

Anxiety is normal, but not all anxiety is created equal. The goal is not to stop feeling anxious, but instead to help someone get better equipped at recognizing and managing it when it’s the bad kind.

Good anxiety keeps us safe – it signals real dangers like being eaten by bears, hit by cars, or poisoned by strangers offering suspect fruit. This is both OK and normal.

Bad anxiety screams ‘danger!’ in situations that are actually safe. For young children, it might be things like speaking to adults or trying new sports. For professionals, it might be public speaking or difficult conversations.

When bad anxiety isn’t addressed and grows, it makes the world shrink. The child who is afraid to raise his hand may never get a chance to express his preferences when he’s older. As an adult, he might become the one who stays silent in meetings and is unrecognized for the work they do. His world becomes more limited compared to their peers. Each avoidance compounds, putting him farther and farther behind in skills.

Therefore, Galanti’s recommended strategy is not “do nothing; wait it out.” Instead, it is to help them face the anxiety and learn how to manage the difficult emotions that go along with it.

Framework: Accommodating vs. Supporting

The key mistake that many people make is to accommodate anxiety, feeding the fear by enabling the anxious person to avoid it. Sometimes in our efforts to protect, we can actually make it worse.

Accommodating Behaviors

• Accommodation: “Let me help you”
  Example: Asking a question for someone because they’re afraid to speak up
  Why: By enabling them to avoid what they fear, you’re only creating a dependency on extra supports to make their lives run.

• Minimizing negative emotion: “You’re not scared, you’re fine”
  Example: Telling someone there’s nothing to be afraid of in the face of a scary animal or big presentation
  Why: Minimizing emotions teaches people to hide their fears rather than express them.

• Avoiding risk: “Get away from there, it’s not safe!”
  Example: Discouraging climbing a big rock or tree. Declining speaking opportunities.
  Why: Avoiding moderate risks sends the message that you should stick to zones where it’s 100% safe. Risk goes hand in hand with personal growth, and this reduces their tolerance for risking rejection or things not working out.

• Modeling anxiety: “I messed this up, never again!”
  Example: Responding to your own mistake with self-criticism
  Why: Kids look at how parents respond. It doesn’t matter what you tell your child, it’s what you show them.

How to Support Instead

What can you do instead? Here’s a formula for how to support someone in the face of their anxiety:

Validate their feelings + Encourage the next step

For kids: “I know this feels scary, and that’s okay” + “I believe you’re brave enough to try”

For colleagues: “I know this presentation is nerve-wracking” + “I’ve seen you do it before and know you can handle it”

Validation means acknowledging the discomfort and putting words to it. Expressing difficult emotions is a critical tool to manage emotions rather than be controlled by them.

Encouragement means expressing belief in their ability to take on the challenging act rather than avoiding it.

Finding the Balance

This doesn’t mean throwing people into the deep end. The goal isn’t to force a child who’s afraid of speaking up in small groups to give a presentation to the whole school, just as you wouldn’t send a colleague who struggles to speak in team meetings to keynote.

Instead, it’s about finding small steps that build confidence gradually without abandoning the task altogether.

My Takeaways

The framing of ‘Accommodating vs. Supporting’ really helps me take a more critical eye to my own actions.

The “do nothing; wait it out” strategy doesn’t actually exist

The idea that you do nothing isn’t actually a valid option, because how I respond is influential. There’s actually quite a lot to be done here because the reaction I have, the behavior I model, and the advice I give matters. Even not reacting to the behavior is a choice. Now I can be more thoughtful about how I choose to respond.

Managing the rescue instinct

I never realized how strong my rescue instinct is, and how deeply uncomfortable it is to see someone squirm if it’s in my power to help it.

What if that very instinct stifles growth? Just like I wouldn’t rush in to hold the handlebars for them when a child is learning how to bicycle, I shouldn’t jump in to speak for my daughter when she’s hesitating to answer the teacher’s question.

Creating space for growth

To truly support the people I care about in doing hard things, we have to give them the space and encouragement to take small risks. This is how we grow.

This is essay #3 in my series to conquer my fear of writing.